you have to choose: penises or morals?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
