I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
