guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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