you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
