What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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