Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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