This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
