Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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