I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
