I looked at my own cervix.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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