she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
