did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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