Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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