My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
