I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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