I like my sex mixed with concussions.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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