I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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