Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
