are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
