Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
