I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
