He disabled his match.com account in front of me
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
