Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
