im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
