drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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