I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
