Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
