Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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