Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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