Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Randomize
