Im at strip club and am horny
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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