Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
