Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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