are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
