Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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