Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
