She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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