god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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