A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
