Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
