I need to stop coming to work sober
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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