if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I believe in your delicious
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
