i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
We're too hungover to prance.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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