I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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