Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
