ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
