I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
