i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
