omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
