GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
And then he peed in my hair
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