its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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