omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
