New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
