Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
